Taking an antidepressant has made me a better mama

When I was in the depths of my depression, about three and a half years ago, I was seeing a therapist who was very anti-medication. It was her aversion to meds that actually led me to her. She promoted a holistic approach – diet, exercise, and positive mindset shifts to combat depression and anxiety. As someone who tries to avoid taking medicine unless completely necessary, this sounded ideal.

I wanted to heal my mind the all natural way. Looking back, it was my ego and pride that made that call. I wasn’t about to take the “easy” way out. Plus, I still held a stigma around medication. Taking a pill to help me “feel better” felt like defeat, like it proved that I was weak.

So instead I sat in this woman’s office, week after week, sometimes more after calling in emergency sessions because I couldn’t stop my brain from spiraling or my tears from falling. Each time I visited her, I felt like I was a record player on repeat, sharing the same stories, the same struggles, the same fears. And each session I was given similar instructions: try to stop the bad thought as it arises, confront it with a positive thought, let it pass me by, journal, meditate, stop self-sabotaging! While I always committed to trying, when it came time for me to self-soothe, employing these techniques rarely worked. I was frustrated, irritable, confused, anxious, depressed, and feeling helpless. Was this just something I was going to have to learn to live with?

During this entire period, I’d been pretty open to my mom about my struggles. After another breakdown, she recommended I get on an antidepressant. (Considering how taboo talking about mental illness is in Latino households, I recognize how fortunate I was for her to be my advocate.) Mental illness runs in my family and she saw my numerous attempts to get better. Speaking from her personal experience, she told me taking medicine would help me stop treading water so I could do the work and ideally start to make progress. I agreed to try it – anything but how I was feeling.

On this day, I interviewed Rosie Perez for Hispanicize. As you can see from my eyes, despite a pretty great experience, I was still fighting tears. I was hiding my pain from everyone, but for me, it was soul crushing.

I started on Lexapro in January 2020 – right before COVID hit and for that I’m extremely grateful. I was fortunate to not experience any crazy side effects. It made me drowsy so I just switched to taking it at night. I’ve been on it ever since. My relationship with my therapist ended shortly after I started taking the medication. When she realized my newfound positive outlook and progress were due to me incorporating meds, her disappointment seemed clear.

But for me, the Lexapro was a saving grace. My partner commented on me seeming to be more like my old self. I wasn’t numb to emotion, I just felt like I could manage the feelings better. There was a filter which gave me time to process. I wasn’t swept away by each invading thought. I felt freer than I had felt in a long time. That’s not to say I was completely healed. (Every now and then I’ll miss a few days of my pills and be reminded, oh yeah, we still got work to do.)

When I was thinking about getting pregnant, I consulted with an OB about if I’d have to get off the medicine. I was relieved to hear “no.” Another doctor put it to me this way: “there have been no studies to suggest your medicine will bring harm to the baby and we care about your personal well-being too. We want a happy mama!” Amen to that! So I continued on the Lexapro through my pregnancy and while breastfeeding. Zaia is perfectly happy and healthy. And mom (for the most part) is too.

Even though I was on the medicine, I was terrified about postpartum depression. I spoke with my husband about it being natural for a mom to not bond immediately with their child, about hormonal changes and negative emotions that may arise. I was preparing him, but most importantly preparing myself. I was telling myself it was okay if it happened because I knew the guilt would be overwhelming. My fears were put to rest when Z and I quickly bonded. I felt love and strong, positive emotions toward her, almost immediately. In the months that followed, I did have mood swings, irritability, and experienced a fair amount of postpartum anxiety, but I felt like everything was manageable, a skill I know hadn’t been there years prior.

Now let me not let any of this sound like it has been easy. I still dealt (and deal) with the doubt, steep learning curve, sleep deprivation, irritability, anxiety, frustration, etc that comes with motherhood (and life!). But I also found something in myself that I’d lacked for so many years – patience. I have been patient with myself, Zaia, and my partner in a way that I know I couldn’t have been without my medicine. (The latter is still a challenge, because, husbands! Amirite?!🙃)

I am patient with her cries and her fussing. I am patient as she learns to express herself. When I’d have to go into her room multiple times a night to comfort her. When she’d fight her naps for hours, when she’s teething, and when she turns into a sumo wrestler when I’m changing her diaper. It’s a hard and frustrating time, for sure, but the old me was afraid of how I’d react in these moments. That I’d be too overwhelmed to properly care for my baby. But I’m doing it! Present and patient. I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. And I’m not saying some shit I’ll regret. The few times it’s all been too much, I’ve just told my husband, “you gotta take over” and I’ve left the room. (The mom guilt I felt about feeling like my baby was too much definitely beat me up later, but at least I took space that benefited both of us in the long run.)

3 weeks and obsessed with my baby. I can’t tell you what a relief that was!

Today, I’m finally able to name one of my big challenges: the ability to self-regulate. Yup, at 36, I just learned about the phrase self-regulation and that I’ve been struggling with that my whole life. (This is doing the work, y’all. Sorting through the messy and owning our shit). For my fellow newbies:

“Self regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behaviour and your reactions to feelings and things happening around you. It includes being able to: regulate reactions to strong emotions like frustration, excitement, anger and embarrassment. Calm down after something exciting or upsetting. Focus on a task.”

With my medicine, my new therapist (who is awesome), and a whole lot of grace, I’m working through the very complex being that is me. And I just realized as I’m bearing my soul to you that I haven’t judged it once while I type it on this page. I know my behavior has been hurtful to people in the past, and I’d like to think, I’ve made amends to those who I’ve hurt. I am growing. I am working to be better.

For me, the most important person I can impact now is Zaia. She is the one I want to teach how to self-regulate. I want her to be proud of her emotions and her capacity to feel big things, but I also want her to learn to manage those feelings so she doesn’t get swallowed up by them or bulldoze over the people in her life.

My awareness and growth wouldn’t have been possible without my meds. I’m not ashamed to say that. Will I be on medicine forever? I don’t know. I’m very interested in the psychedelic space and would love to transition to that for my healing journey, but I’ll wait until the right time and teacher can come along to assist me.

Whatever road you choose to take on your healing journey (because we are all working on something), I hope you do what’s best for you and your family. Most importantly, I hope you don’t wait to act, because you’re worth it. There are no quick fixes – not even a pill. The work is ongoing. I still have my days where I’m like, “yo, is this thing even working?” But I guess that’s being human – the roller coaster never really stops.

If you have any questions about my experience with an antidepressant, don’t hesitate to reach out. I can talk from personal experience, only. If it’s something you’re considering for you or a family member, please reach out to a professional. And if you or someone you know is considering hurting themselves, please dial 988.

So I want to know, how are you taking care of your mental health these days? I hope you’ll share in the comments below.

What I’m Loving…

My Stanley Cup: Does this make me a basic bitch? Absolutely. But at least I’m hydrated! A key standout factor is that it fits so easily into my stroller cup holder. I love taking long walks with Z, so that’s a must.

Mango Daydream Juneshine: I’m a big fan of hard kombucha and this brand in particular. The mango flavor feels like vacation in a can: refreshing, light, and delish. I’m not really into sweet drinks and this for me, feels just right.

The easiest weeknight recipe: If you like black beans, this taco recipe is for you. It’s so fast, meatless, but high protein, and super yummy. Zaia loves this and my husband and I add our own cheeses, veggies, and sauces to liven it up a bit.