I'm worried about our boys

And you should be too.

“I knew one day I’d have to watch powerful men burn the world down – I just didn’t expect them to be such losers.” This headline from a Guardian opinion piece has gone viral and for good reason – it’s clever and expresses what most of us are thinking.

The most powerful seat in the world is held by a rapist, racist, a proven liar, and someone who is completely incompetent for the job at hand. And boys and men everywhere want to be just like him.

To say, it’s frightening is a complete understatement.

So, how did we get here?

Leading up to this election, Trump leaned heavily into the “manosphere:” a collection of male-centered online content which focuses on men’s rights, men’s interests and critiques of feminism. This growing ecosystem is often criticized for promoting misogyny, toxic masculinity and harmful stereotypes about both men and women. If you’re unfamiliar, think Joe Rogan, Andrew Tate, Jake Paul, and Theo Von, among many others.

(For the sake of brevity, I will be writing about boys/men in general and not get into full detail on race because that’s a whole other can of worms and I have a child to raise.)

Trump was swiftly embraced by this community of podcasters and social media influencers and given unfiltered access to spew countless lies to their millions of mostly male followers. And this strategy worked. Young men voted for him and in general, their demographic shifted about 15 points to the right.

To know this political shift is directly tied to a promotion of toxic and dangerous masculinity is what has me most concerned for our boys.

Boys and young men are being projected an image of what it means to be “a man” and it is equivocated with being strong, aggressive, getting any woman you want, not showing emotion (except anger), and leading by any means necessary.

But gender IS a social construct and many of today’s leading voices in male culture are perpetuating the most dangerous characteristics. Subconsciously or not, some of us are too.

When you look at young kids, you’re reminded gender means nothing. My nephew often wore a tutu when he was three. Now, at seven he loves mountain biking and is down to paint his nails. My two-year-old daughter’s favorite color is blue and she loves going fast and climbing up high. In our minds we might associate some of these things with boys versus girls, but it’s society and family who condition kids into these beliefs of what is and isn’t appropriate for them.

We haven’t just gendered behaviors or likes and dislikes, it’s emotions as well. “Through the gendered use of language around emotion, children receive a message that certain emotions are more acceptable for girls than for boys and that women talk more about their feelings. Research also shows that parents might react—often unconsciously—in a way that encourages emotional expression in girls but discourages emotional expression in boys. These cues might include ignoring, dismissing or invalidating certain emotions in children: anger in girls and sadness in boys.” From an age as early as four years old, emotional understanding and expression between girls and boys can change.

Usually by this time our kids are entering a school environment where parents can’t control their every interaction. The conditioning continues and by age 13 they’re probably being introduced to the online manosphere communities.

Why is this happening and what can be done?

Honestly, there are so many elements which hav contributed to this. The most powerful being we still live in a patriarchal culture.

Time and time again we’re reminded that patriarchy negatively affects men by pressuring them to conform to rigid masculine stereotypes. Often they have difficulty seeking help, increased risk of mental health issues, and a sense of isolation due to the inability to express vulnerability. “Boys face ruthless bullying and cruelty from peers if they display sensitivity or other ‘feminine’ traits. As a result, they learn to suppress emotions and adopt a lifestyle that normalizes violence to live up to patriarchal gender constructs.”

And violence seems to be the answer for guys who feel their masculinity is threatened. A study reported in the journal Developmental Science, found that men who are socially pressured to embrace a stereotypical ideal of masculinity, turn aggressive when that is challenged.

Yet Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg is leaning into the trope that strength and violence are symbols of masculinity. In the Joe Rogan interview where he stated that the corporate world needs more “masculine energy,” Zuckerberg supported that by adding, “having a culture that celebrates aggression a bit more has its own merits that are really positive.” Considering we live in a country where school shootings are out of control and 97.7% of them have been carried out by boys, I’m gonna need Mark to get to work and start presenting me solid reports of how more aggression, especially among white men, is what we’re missing.

I am not raising a boy, though I have two nephews who I treat as if they’re my own. I titled this post “I’m worried about our boys,” because like everything, this issue needs a community response and I think our boys need us.

We are living in an age of technology where people feel connected but are absolutely more isolated than ever. This was only exacerbated during COVID. Many kids lost connections and socialization skills that are necessary for this time of life. What most boys are seeking is connection and we have to take the time to engage.

I know many of you reading are moms (or dads) to young children, so this is a time where we can use some of the research to guide us. Do you find yourself using less feelings words with your boys? Do you discourage sadness? Are games or activities gendered? The care starts in the home and the changes are subtle, yet powerful.

As author Ruth Whippman so eloquently put it, “The prescription for creating a generation of healthier, more socially and emotionally competent men is the same in the wider political discourse as it is in our own homes — to approach boys generously rather than punitively. We need to acknowledge boys’ feelings, to talk with our sons in the same way we do our daughters, to hear them and empathize rather than dismiss or minimize, and engage with them as fully emotional beings.”

Let them be sad, let them be in their feels, let them question the role of feminism without rebuke. Give them space to show up as themselves so they know they are safe. Research is screaming at us that the alternative is dangerous to their psyche and society.

I want us to raise a generation of men who look at someone like Trump and say, “never again.”

I would love, love, love to hear your thoughts on this. Let’s chat. Leave a comment below.