The crucial conversation I had with my husband before giving birth

Once a new fear was unlocked, I had to let him in.

Taking care of my mental health while I was pregnant was a top priority for me. Even before I got pregnant, I confirmed with my OB that I could stay on Lexapro. The idea of getting off of medicine that tremendously helped my mood and anxiety scared the crap out of me – thankfully I was assured that my low dose was safe for the baby and me.

Maybe it was the medicine, but I don’t feel like I had crazy mood swings while pregnant. I was completely exhausted my first trimester and could literally take a nap anywhere, but by the time my second and third rolled around, I felt (mostly) back to normal.

personally, i loved being pregnant.

However, like an over-analytical first time mom to be, I was still stressing. What bottles to buy? Would I be able to breastfeed? Could I manage on no sleep? Are there any diapers that aren’t horrible for the planet?! Would I get postpartum depression?

Given my history with anxiety and depression, postpartum depression was more of a possibility, so just in case I started some research. I wanted to know the signs and how I could prevent or treat it if possible. What I learned, freaked me out. (Thanks WebMD). There were so many symptoms, but one stuck out amongst them all: difficulty bonding with your baby.

I was so looking forward to giving birth to my daughter and all of a sudden a new fear had been unlocked: what if I gave birth and felt nothing?

This is something that is never talked about. We’re told and shown that you give birth and voilà, that motherly love and instinct kick in automatically. But if I was afraid of this, I knew I couldn’t be the only one.

If my own mental health journey has taught me anything, it’s that shame, fear, and anxiety love secrecy. They thrive when you keep everything to yourself, so I knew that in order for me to stop the downward spiral of my thoughts, I had to call them out – fast.

Thankfully, a perk of being an older mom is that many of the women around me are already mothers themselves. When I started to talk about my bonding fear, I was relieved to hear people either felt a similar concern or had their own experience with not immediately falling madly in love with their baby.

I found, like I often do, that the moment I spoke my doubts out loud, I built connection, found assurance, and was reminded once again, I’m not completely out of my mind.

In fact, “about 20% of new moms and dads feel no real emotional attachment to their newborn in the hours after delivery. Sometimes, it takes weeks or even months to feel that attachment.”

A browse on Reddit yields multiple stories like this one:

“Everyday that goes by with my baby boy, I feel bad that I am not overly obsessed with him… I’m 3 weeks and 2 days pp and it hasn’t gotten any better. I try to do bonding activities with him but it doesn’t seem to help. I think he is cute but also still feel like he’s this little potato 🥔 that just eats, sleeps, and poops. It also doesn’t help that I still am mourning the loss of our freedom and lack of sleep since he’s come into our lives.”

The thread continues with moms echoing this woman’s sentiment. Reading them I hear frustration, shame, and deep sadness. Thankfully, many were able to demonstrate that the bonding eventually comes – all with different timelines.

Learning from my close friends and family that they all had unique attachment experiences gave me a sense of peace to know that even if I didn’t immediately bond with my daughter, that split moment would not determine the entire trajectory of our mother-daughter relationship. And it absolutely would not define me as a good or bad mom.

So armed with that information, I decided to talk to my husband. Thanks to hypnobirthing classes, he (somewhat) knew what to expect when it came to labor and delivery. I needed him to know what else could possibly happen with my brain (other than mood swings).

I kept it really simple and basically said: listen, if for whatever reason I don’t immediately bond or feel a strong connection for this baby, I just want you to know that is normal and it should quickly pass. If it doesn’t pass, and if it develops into something scary like harm, we’ll talk about it.

He was also surprised to learn this was a “thing,” but of course showed his support. I often hear women say men have no idea what it’s like to be pregnant, and I completely agree, which is why it was so important to clue my partner into my inner journey as much as possible. I felt relieved to know I had him in my corner if needed.

Turns out, my fears never materialized because I fortunately did immediately bond with my daughter. (It was everyone else I wanted nothing to do with after she was born).

me and the lil’ homie.

Moments like this, remind me how grateful I am to be a part of a generation of women who are more comfortable talking about their angst around motherhood. Having gone through labor, postpartum, and now to be in the toddler years, I see how lonely, confusing, and stressful motherhood can be. Talking about everything, no matter how trivial they may seem is always what saves me.

So tell me, what fears did you have around giving birth or if you haven’t had a kid yet, what fears do you have that we can maybe make you feel better about?

🙋🏻‍♀️ If you want more information about bonding with your baby, click here.

🤰🏽Issues around bonding can be hormonal, due to a lack of support/resources or a sign of postpartum depression – either way, you should absolutely talk to your healthcare provider about any concerns.

👏🏽 If you found this helpful or interesting please share your feedback in the comments or our group chat. And I’d appreciate you clicking ❤️ if you enjoyed.

abrazos,

j

👩🏻‍💻 Catch me online 👩🏻‍💻 TikTok: @heyjessmolina & IG: @imamomnowwhat